No Spoilers, Please!
by Fizzy 13
Summary: Some girls just have the dumbest wishes. Coobie can attest to that. After all, he's met all sorts of girls while making contracts. Surely, Sturgeon's Law applies and a lot of them are utter stupidity. Take this story, for example. Read and Review! :D
1. Things You Should Do To Avoid Spoilers

AN: After an extremely long period of not doing anything, I have finally been incited to resume writing. By what? Spoilers. This is my first Megucafic, and why I decided to write for Meguca, is because of Spoilers. I have got a very bad habit of reading spoilers and highlighting spoiler tagged spoilers, you see. And I think the spoilers that I read about the Meguca movies are the WORST case of spoiling I have ever spoiled myself with. And so, without any further ado, I wish to give you… my own little slice of suffering.

Disclaimer: Been forever since I wrote one of these. Brings back memories. Meduka Meguc- err… Puella Magi Madoka Magica is the property of Coobie- I mean… Gen Urobuchi. May he seriously consider delivering less suffering in the stuff he writes.

**NO SPOILERS, PLEASE!**

A Madoka Magica Fanfic

By Fizzy 13

**I. THINGS YOU SHOULD DO TO AVOID SPOILERS**

* * *

I hate spoilers.

If there's anything I hate more than spoilers? It's spoilers of shows that I love.

This afternoon, they aired the final episode of _Magical Eins Justicia_, which I happened to be a fan of. It also happened to be the unfortunate case, that on that same day, during that same time slot, I had to put in extra time for the football team. Of course, as I had no valid excuse to go home while everybody else selflessly prepared for the inter-school competition next month, I had no choice but to suck in my gut and stick around.

Naturally, I _missed_ that final episode.

Not that it was the first time I ever missed an episode, or anything, but I was already rather experienced with avoiding spoilers.

I stayed off the social networks. No doubt Fumina and Hayase would be squealing about the ending and telling everybody about it.

I read none of my text messages. No doubt they would have sent me something like, "Haruka-chan, I loved how so-and-so happened! What do you think?"

I kept the TV off. Just to be absolutely sure. Besides, TV would distract me from homework.

Yet somehow, after finishing all my homework and preparing to watch a copy of the final episode uploaded to Nico, I was spoiled.

It was a completely unrelated article I had open on another tab. The video was loading, so I didn't mind just reading it to pass the time for a bit. By the time I hit the comments, however, it was too late. Some idiot had for no good reason, thought it was a good idea to say that the article reminded her of how, in the final episode of _Magical Eins Justicia_, our brave heroine had sacrificed herself to save the world. Reading that comment was like watching a train wreck; a horror show that you couldn't look away from because of its captivation.

It was an outrage.

I had to stop myself from doing extremely violent things to my innocent monitor.

Nevertheless, I decided to continue on, and watched the video. The pivotal moment arrived. Justicia chose her home over the fate of the galaxy.

All the power of the world, all the lives of planet Earth, had been sacrificed to resurrect her from Lord Merodach's attack, and infuse her with enough magic to become a warrior who could defend the galaxy against the Countermind. But Tia never told her of that price the world had to pay. All she could say in her defense was, "Surely, saving the galaxy from the encroaching darkness of the Countermind, is worth sacrificing one planet? The gods of old sacrificed their power to Marduk, so that he could destroy the ancient beast."

"Tiamat," said Justicia. "I finally understand now."

Of course it was no surprise to anybody that the mysterious magical girl mentor Tia was none other than the Tiamat of myth. That theory had been floating around the fanbase ever since Lord Merodach acted like he recognized her in episode eight, amongst other rather unsubtle hints.

Suffice to say, however, that when the moment came that Justicia decided against playing hero of the galaxy, giving a short speech about how Tiamat should look elsewhere for a champion to fight the Countermind, and returned all of the earth's magic at the cost of her own life, I only felt angry and depressed… and for the record, it wasn't because Justicia died in the end.

There was no suspense if I already knew what was going to happen. That one comment had sucked the life and awe out of the whole grand finale. It just looked… grey to me.

I went to bed with seething fumes escaping my ears.

The next day wasn't much better. All the other girls at school were talking about it in some way, shape, or form.

And of course, Fumina and Hayase had no idea what had happened to me last night. They just greeted me like they would on any normal day.

"Ne, ne, Haruka-chan, you didn't answer my message last night!" Fumina squealed, her green pigtails bobbing up and down. "Did you see that twist coming or not? I was completely shocked!"

"Well, I…"

"Suzumiya-san does not look so well, I'm afraid," Hayase placed her palm on my forehead before I could protest. "Hmm… perhaps you should visit the nurse's office?"

"I'm fine, guys." I lazily swat away Hayase's hand and take my seat. "I'm definitely not sick."

"Then," Hayase gave me one of those polite smiles she was so fond of using, framed by dark blue hair, "Suzumiya-san should turn that frown upside down!"

Huh. I didn't even notice I was pouting until she mentioned it.

I tried to smile. I really did. But the reaction from those two whenever they gave me the occasional glance told me I wasn't doing a very good job at it.

The day went by like a whirlwind, and before I knew it, class was dismissed.

Practice was cancelled due to some excuse or another that the coach had. Much to Fumina and Hayase's disappointment, however, I was definitely not in the mood to go out malling this afternoon. That disappointment didn't leave their faces even after they waved goodbye at the school gates with forced smiles.

I guess my depression is just that contagious.

Still, I wasn't quite in the mood to go home just yet either. So where did I go?

Up on the roof to watch the sun go down.

It wasn't exactly the happiest of scenes, and there were still a few hours before sundown, so it wasn't quite lonely, either. In the end, I just decided to lean my back against the railings and look straight up at the clouds beneath the blue sky, and maybe try to just…

Just forget that idiocy from last night and pretend that I _was_ shocked. That I _didn't_ see that twist coming. Ah, but if only such things were possible.

"I can make that possible… if you so wish."

Startled, I took my head out of the clouds and searched frantically about, poised to kick that would-be stalker who dared to almost give me a heart attack. Instead, the only different thing I saw was some strange white cat thing sitting on the rails next to me, its flat, white rabbit-like face staring at me with a vacant smile.

"What the…"

"Don't be so surprised, Suzumiya Haruka," it said, face still unchanging. "You called me here."

I could hear it, that was for sure… but at the same time, I didn't hear it. And its mouth wasn't even moving to speak. It was as if its voice was directly in my head. Some kind of telepathy?

"Who are you?"

"The Messenger of Magic," it answered. I could almost imagine a hint of enthusiasm in its bland, high-pitched mental voice, "Kyubey!"

"And you're here because…?" I crossed my arms, raising an eyebrow to go with it.

"As I said earlier," It said matter-of-factly, as it scratched an ear. "You called me here. You have a desire, a wish that I can grant."

Something still didn't smell right, and it wasn't the unwashed PE uniform in my bag. "And what's the catch?"

"Form a contract with me and become a Magical Girl!"

**END I.**

AN: Now let's see if I can actually finish a story for once. This isn't meant to be long, I swear. And yes, you will see Coobies. Lots, and lots of Coobies. Coobie Doobie Doo. But wait! Where's Meduka and Friends? I honestly haven't thought that out yet. Chances are, though, they'll probably appear… eventually. Maybe. Feel free to post your reviews, comments, and other things that are to be posted on a fanfic. Thank you.


	2. When Exposed To Spoilers, Do Not Panic!

AN: Thanks for the reviews! They've been encouraging! Hopefully I'll be able to get more done!

Just got myself a brand new Core i7 processor and appropriate other CPU components. What is a Core i7 processor? It's a quad core processor with hyperthreading. Which basically means that _technically_, it has EIGHT cores, and plays Fallout 3 as smoothly as a whistle. How sweet is that? *cough* Anyway, that, at least, has distracted me somewhat from the depression of having read that spoiler which inspired me to write this. For the record, it's the one where Meduka kills Voldemort (no, not really). Nevertheless, all said and done, the suffering must go on!

By the way, I haven't read past Kazumi 3, and I haven't touched Oriko. So I have no idea how this relates to either of them. Chances are, I'll probably end up ignoring their timeline, much as I don't like the idea.

Disclaimer: Meduka Meguca is the property of Gen Urobuchi, the Lord of Suffering. And Coobie is his enthusiastic harbinger.

**II. WHEN EXPOSED TO SPOILERS, DO NOT PANIC!**

* * *

I blinked.

Was I hearing right? Did the little white rabbicat… cat-rabbit… cabbit… did that _thing_ just say that I could get a wish in exchange for forming a contract with it and becoming a Magical Girl?

"Say what?"

"What else is there to say?" it answered, still with that unchanging face. "It's a straightforward enough proposition. I give you a wish, and in return, you must render your services as a Magical Girl."

Something tells me it has only one default expression_. _My arms remained crossed. "Well, it's more quid pro quo than most shows I've seen. So what kinds of monsters do I have to banish back to the netherworld or whatever?"

It nodded to itself, as if understanding something new. "Your familiarity with the subject, and directness are both appreciated. Suzumiya Haruka, your task as a Magical Girl will be to kill malevolent entities known as Witches."

The more I listened to it speak… or telepath, rather… the more this sounded like a very cliché story. "And I'm guessing they're the cause of all those recent news reports about gas leaks and people getting hurt."

"Perhaps."

Is that all you're going to say?

"They feed on the wishes of people and turn them into despair. But the most direct harm they usually do is give their victims a cursed kiss."

"Right, I'll take that as a yes." And the gas leaks, are of course, just some cover story to hide the fact that they don't quite know why those people got hurt. Or something.

"So, have I answered enough questions?"

You seem rather in a hurry. Is there a Witch attack going on right now, and you're desperate to get someone to save the city? "So that's _any_ wish."

"Any wish. From the biggest dreams, to the smallest flights of fancy."

Its confidence was, suffice to say, impressive. This could only mean one of two things: it was bluffing… or, it really could grant any little wish you make. "Can you bring back the dead?"

"Absolutely." Not even a flinch.

"Turn back time?"

"That could be one method for accomplishing the former." With such casual ease.

Well, if you could turn back time, and bring back the dead, I suppose it would be a cinch to grant the only real wish I had in mind at the moment. I didn't need anything like money, or fame, or whatever. Those things, I believed to be in my reach, if I played my cards right, aced the football team, and went pro. And I certainly didn't have any dead loved ones I'd want brought back. No, it had to be something that was impossible to do no matter how hard you tried, something that could only happen under very dangerous circumstances.

I wanted to forget. And the only other way that would happen was if I hit my head hard enough and got amnesia-causing brain damage. Which would of course give me more than just amnesia. And even if it was _just _amnesia, it would be amnesia of everything in general. And who wants that?

It continued to stare at me with its vacant smile. "Don't worry, Haruka. Take all the time you need. After all, you only get one wish."

"So that's another catch, eh? When does the contract expire?"

"After all the Witches are gone. Or something happens to you."

What a way to put it. So of course, this being real life, I'm not some Chosen One (I think) who has protection from a writer who needs to make sure I live for at least half a season. "And how many Witches are there?"

"A lot."

"Okay, what about… the ones in this town?" I set my bag down and go back to reclining against the rails.

"Around twenty, or so."

"Or so?"

"They've been growing in number, as of late. As a result, I've had to increase my efforts in finding volunteers to form contracts and fight them. I don't have to tell you what will happen if we are overwhelmed by Witches, do I?"

So I'm not the only one, either. I looked down at the creature. "But you're saying I can take my sweet time."

"Only because I understand that it is a very important decision. As I said, it is only one wish, in exchange for a foreseeably long period of service." It looked out towards the city, tail lazily waving in the afternoon breeze. "As you humans say, 'Be careful what you wish for'. It would also be a shame if you regret your wish afterwards."

"How considerate." The sarcasm in my voice was pretty obvious. I didn't know if I should be glad it was giving me time to decide, or annoyed at how lightly it seemed to be taking the situation. Were things as bad as it was saying, I would've pushed people into contracts rather than sit around waiting for them to give me an answer. "So, Kyubey, was it?"

"Yes?"

"I'll think this over. Any way I can call you once I've decided?"

"Just call for me," it answered, once again in that matter-of-factly tone. "I'll find you, just like I did a while ago."

"Right, right." I nodded, and started for the door, raising a hand to wave. "Guess I'll see you around, huh?"

"I'm sure we'll meet again."

What a self-assured answer.

"Just remember, Haruka. We're in need of more Magical Girls to fight the good fight."

I turned around to say something, just so I could have the last word. By the time I faced the rails, however, it was gone.

So, was it also related to Batman? Appearing and disappearing whenever you weren't looking? I snorted as I headed downstairs and left the campus.

It wasn't a particularly long way back home. Even if it was, I simply wasn't in any rush to get there. After all, it was still relatively early, and I always thought things over better whenever I was at a relaxed pace. Never mind the apparent urgency of the situation. What was important was what wish I was going to make.

To most people, it would seem trivial. But there was no question about it. There was only one real gripe I had in my life. All the usual problems other girls my age had were things I could deal with. Bullies? I beat them up. Bad grades? I learned long ago that you could go from the bottom of the class to the top if you studied hard enough. Annoying guys? Well, that wasn't really a problem I had. Boys tended to avoid me unless necessary, probably afraid I'd beat them up like those bullies if they even looked at me funny. And boy _crushes_? Even after two years, Fumina and Hayase still couldn't believe I didn't have any. I'd tell them, "Why bother? Romance is the result of a chemical imbalance." If I do end up falling for someone, it would because I'm malnourished or something. Chemical imbalance.

No, _my_ problem in life wasn't any of that typical drivel. My problem started way back when I was in preschool, when my parents were building up their DVD collection with classic movies. I loved that collection. Still do. But my idiot big brother had to ruin our second viewing session when he blabbered off, at the very start of the movie, that "Hey yeah, this is where we find out the bad guy is the good guy's father!"

My initial reaction throughout the film was the same as the hero's, actually. Well, not as dramatic as his, but as I quietly watched the scene, I kept thinking to myself, "He's lying, this is obviously a trick," until finally, in the following movie, the ghost of the old guy confirmed it was true.

The rest of it felt dull after that. That day, I experienced firsthand the effects of the spoiler. And yes, I admit that most people think that this almost pathological hatred I have for the spoiler is a trivial thing. I suppose it could be. But the spoiler is an evil that sucks the life out of any good work of fiction. It robs the audience of the thrill, the suspense, and the shock of a great twist or revelation. Ultimately, it robs the audience of the enjoyment of watching or reading a story; of letting it unfold at its own pace. The story becomes grey and meaningless. And today, I feel even worse whenever I get spoiled. It's not just because someone spoiled me, but because of the fact that I got spoiled _despite_ the fact that I constantly work so hard to dodge them.

_Justicia_ was my favourite show. Ironically enough, it was the first thing that had ever been spoiled for me in years. If I'd met whoever that stupid girl was… whoever posted that idiotic comment… I'd beat her up so bad she'd wish for Kyubey to make it so that she never posted that comment!

Her username, at least, was goldencirls_495. I'd never forget that… not until I found out who she really was and pummeled her into a messy pulp.

Of course, it didn't have to be that way. Because as seemed to be the case, I'd now found a true solution. All I had to do was make a little wish, and I would never be spoiled again. I could watch _Justicia_ again, and the colour would be there for the final confrontation, because I would have forgotten that spoiler. And I would forget every spoiler. Yes, that was how things were going to be. It was settled.

Now… maybe I'd taken a wrong turn. It wasn't surprising, considering how deep in thought I was at the time. But surely, there was a better explanation for the reason why my surroundings now looked like one of those bizarre music videos that occasionally show up.

What could only be described as man-sized five-legged meatballs danced about a surreal kitchen landscape laden with gigantic caricatures of all sorts of what should have been gorgeous Italian cuisine. Otherworldly symbols – words? – littered the scenery; on fancy giant menus, on vaudeville restaurant signboards, and on a platter of a grotesque prawn salad of some sort. The notes of cacophonous string instruments filled the air with a broken rendition of that stereotypical Italian tune, while the stench of last week's kitchen garbage hung muskily in the air. If I had to make a bad joke, it would have to be that I had somehow wandered onto the set of _Hell's Kitchen_. And that wasn't the worst part about this. No, the worst part was how those meatballs were now starting to dance _in my direction_.

I twisted my head around, frantically searching for a way out of this nightmare. My first move was to run for a nearby plate of spaghetti, and try to climb my way to the top… against my better judgement and the fact that spaghetti _obviously_ came with meatballs.

True enough, by the time I realized this mistake, the meatballs in the spaghetti itself were already starting to sprout legs. These had _six_ legs, and slowly rose out of the rancid pasta like some kind of bad zombie movie. I turned left, bolting for a green bottle of wine which, for some reason, had a dead fish's head on the label. Turns out it was standing on the edge of a kitchen counter, at the bottom of which appeared to be some sort of rotting tomato stew…

A quick glance behind me revealed that the meatballs were hot on my trail. So, to swim in rotting tomato stew, or to be – _possibly_ – trampled to death by dancing multi-legged meatballs? The choice seemed obvious enough… except that was when the tomato stew bubbled, and what looked like a reanimated fried octopus bobbed up onto the surface, tentacles wiggling about.

Suddenly, I found myself in between a rock and a hard place. Maybe I _should_ have made my wish up there on the roof with that cabbit Kyubey and its vacant smile. That way, I would have gotten magical powers, and so I'd be killing all these monstrosities with impunity right about now.

Ah, the regrets of life. And of course, no doubt, I would be written off as the casualty of a gas leak after this… somehow.

I cracked my knuckles, and picked up the nearest implement, a giant toothpick, before screaming at the top of my lungs as I made my final valiant charge at the crowd of angry dancing meatballs.

As I took my first swing, however, something amazing happened. A golden bolt of light shot down from above and obliterated the nearest meatball. A second one followed, blasting the one next to it. Then there was a third… and then suddenly, it was raining with these bolts. In almost no time flat, the entire army of meatballs had been destroyed, and a blonde girl dressed in… a vaguely German costume of some sort… landed in front of me with what seemed like a little flourish.

Her smile was warm… quite friendly, actually, yet elegant at the same time. "Are you alright?" She stretched out a hand to me, as if to help me up… and really, that was the only time I realized that I had actually fallen down on my butt during the shootout.

"Y… yeah." I took her hand, and she helped me back to my feet.

"That was very brave of you," she said, as I dusted myself.

Sensing a pause in her voice, I decided to just throw out the other half of the cliché I expected to hear. "But also foolish, right? Yeah, I guess. But if I was gonna die anyway, I'd rather do it guns blazing than hiding in a corner, you know?"

The girl giggled. "Well, that's true. You were fortunate that I found you in time. Otherwise…" she trailed off, looking aside.

"Thanks." That got her attention back on me. "I'd rather not think about otherwise, so I'll just up and say thanks." I hold out my hand for a shake. "I owe you big time."

"You're welcome." We shook hands. "My name is Tomoe Mami," she said with a curtsy.

"Tomoe-san," I nodded. "I'm Suzumiya Haruka."

"A pleasure." I just didn't get it that much, but there was a certain eloquence with the way she said things… one might even call it a refined manner.

"So you're one of Kyubey's Magical Girls, I take it?"

"That's right." There was just the smallest hint of surprise in her voice. "So does this mean that he has already approached you?"

Right. So it's a _he_. I'll have to make note of that for future reference. "Just a while ago, yeah. I'm still thinking about my wish…"

Tomoe-san's expression grew stern. "Just remember. A wish is a very big decision. So please, choose carefully."

"Yes, I understand." It's not like the little cabbit hadn't stressed out the importance of that enough times already. "Actually, I've already decided."

"Oh?" Her eyebrow rose in curiosity.

"Yes." If there was anything I was going to wish for, it would be this. "I wish to forget any spoiler that I ever have, or ever will, encounter."

**END II.**

* * *

AN: On the subject of stupid wishes, I just realized that this isn't the stupidest wish ever. For the stupidest wish I've ever seen, I invite you to watch Madoka Abridged and enjoy the plethora of idiotic wishes our girls make for the sake of funny (Mami's is pretty easy to guess). Speaking of which, yes. Mami still hasn't flipped her lid here. Will we have more Mami? Maybe. I hope so. Will we have the other girls? I hope so too. Will we have more Coobie? ABSOLUTELY!


	3. Get Off The Social Networks

AN: Wow… that's a new record. Only the second chapter, and I've already slowed down. No, no, it's not a discontinuation, I swear. Things have just been busy lately. And I've found several things on this new computer that could be rather… distracting. In other news, one of my friends spoiled me even FURTHER about the Meguca movies. Which gives me even moooore suffering to share with you all! Also, a Happy New Year to everyone. Please Review!

Faust91x: Don't worry, mate. The wait's over.

Obsessed Nuker: I guess it wasn't subtle enough. Still, kudos on spotting it. ;)

DayDreamer9: I hope I live up to your expectations.

Disclaimer: Meduka Meguca is the property of Gen, Shaft, and Coobie. It's a perfect recipe for ensured doom.

**III. GET OFF THE SOCIAL NETWORKS**

* * *

"… are you _sure_ that's what you want to wish for?" There was no question that Tomoe-san sounded, for all intents and purposes, extremely concerned. Which was strange, given we had just met.

"I'm pretty sure, yes," I answered. "I spent a good couple of hours thinking about it."

Her composure didn't seem to improve with that either. "I really think you should give it some more time."

Was there some kind of underlying reason for why she insisted that two hours wasn't enough? Sure, other people might take a lot more time to think about an important wish, but a lot of other people frankly don't have a clue about what their life _really_ needs. Or, they have so many problems that they can't figure out a single way to get rid of them all… or, they decide to get rid of only one, but can't figure out which one to ditch.

"Trust me, I've had my whole life to figure out the one thing I hate the most about it."

"That… seems a rather pessimistic way to go about it." The blonde looked me straight in the eye. "Still, if you really are dead set on choosing that as your wish, then I suppose I can't stop you."

Nevertheless, I figured that it wouldn't be a bad idea to just ask, for curiosity's sake. Who knows? As the obvious mentor archetype, Tomoe-san might have a few useful pointers for me, even granting the possibility that she was a cunning manipulator like Tia was. She certainly fit the bill, having arrived just in the nick of time to save me, and all. "Tomoe-san."

"Yes?"

"Is there any reason why you seem rather pushy about me thinking more carefully about my wish?"

She remained quiet for a few scant moments, probably pondering her choice of words.

"I mean, a reason that isn't the old and obvious 'you only get one wish so you'd better be _really_ careful about it' shtick."

"Well," the blonde looked up as she brought up a hand to rest her chin on, "I guess it's because I just know someone who didn't think her wish through carefully enough."

"You've been in the business long enough to meet a few of those, huh?"

She nodded in response. "You could say that."

Given how easily she dealt with those meatballs, it was no stretch to think that she was a pro, or at least had quite a bit of experience. A lot of shows had the girls put up with a few episodes' worth of blundering around before finally getting the hang of their new calling. Tomoe-san had none of that.

"Which is why I urge you to _please_," Once again, she looked me straight in the eye. "Give it a day, at least."

I sighed. "Fine, fine. As long as this kind of idiocy doesn't happen again," I spread my arms outward, making it clear that I was referring to how I'd been ambushed by this weird otherworldly place. "Where _are_ we, anyway? No, wait, let me guess. It's some kind of space-time distortion hex created by a witch to serve as her hideout, invisible to ordinary people, of course. Additionally, her theme is cooking or at least some freakishly twisted version of it, and the meatballs are her familiars."

Tomoe-san giggled. "My, my, aren't you knowledgeable for someone who doesn't even have a contract yet! You wouldn't happen to watch magical girl shows, would you?"

"I wouldn't really call myself the most avid fan of the genre," glowing hearts and exploding sparkles weren't really my thing, after all. "But I do follow enough to know the conventions of such things." Weekly monster to vanquish, spinny magical attacks with names, optional romantic subplots, hijinks with trying to keep her secret identity secret – where such things exist, in any case… Oh, and of course, a disgustingly adorable critter to show them the ropes.

"That's good." The tone in her voice was rather curious, if I had to say so myself. "Then I suppose the only things left to explain would be a few rules about this particular 'setting', huh?"

"Yeah, I guess." I continued to look around. Already, more meatballs were starting to appear in the distance. "So, if I'm going to hold off on my contract until I 'really' think about my wish, for another day, as you said, does that mean I just have to watch you clean house?"

"Exactly." Clearly aware of the approaching threat – perhaps even before I had noticed it – Tomoe-san pulled what appeared to be an ornate musket from… well, out of nowhere, really. I could say that she pulled it out of her hat like a magician and the classical rabbit trick, but her beret had no such space to hide such a thing! Well she _was_ a magical girl, so I shouldn't have been so amazed. But seeing it in real life was even more astounding than this weird Twilight Zone of wacky cuisine… which was really more disgusting than astounding, but whatever.

She quickly blasted the nearest meatball and pulled out another musket – from under her skirt, no less – which she used to blow up the next. "Just stay close." Soon enough, Tomoe-san was flipping about the place like a gymnast, effortlessly blowing away the creatures like they were goons who were unfortunate enough to be in a Steven Seagal movie. If I had to count the places from whence she pulled muskets, I would shrug and say, about a dozen. More often than not, she actually conjured up several at a time.

If I'd only suspected it before, now, there was absolutely no question that she was a veteran witch hunter.

Less than a minute later, the entire place was cleared of evil meatballs. Tomoe-san landed by my side with the elegance of a ballerina and took my hand. "Suzumiya-san."

"Y… yeah?"

"Hold on tight," she adjusted her beret, giving me just enough time to tighten my grip on her hand before vaulting off into the distance with me in tow.

I couldn't scream. No, I was too amazed to scream. To be sure, we weren't really flying. At least I didn't think so. But it was pretty much the same feeling anyhow. Instead, the first thing out of my mouth was, "Where are we going?"

"To finish this." We landed on the edge of a vast depression. If I had to describe it, it would be something like this. Imagine a cake. One of those layered wedding cakes that kind of stacked up into towers. Now imagine that cake was completely hollow, and then someone pulled it inside out, so that the nice pretty decorations and icing and, well, _cake_, looked like a deep pit rather than a tower. Then, imagine that it was some kind of Italian folk cake, rather than a wedding cake.

At the center of the lowest level was some… kind of hideous monstrosity. Apparently, various different kinds of Italian meat products cobbled together into something vaguely resembling a cat, if that cat had been skinned, strangled, and soaked in water to give it a paper mache quality. This paper mache meat cat then somehow gained sentience and played with balls of rotten spaghetti like it would with a ball of yarn. "That's the witch?" I asked, eyebrow raised.

Tomoe-san nodded. "That's the witch."

"It kinda reminds me of moldy ham."

She only giggled. "Well you did figure out that her 'theme' was cooking. It would make sense for her to look like moldy ham."

I crossed my arms. "Hmph. You got me there. Well, what are you waiting for? Show me how this is done!"

"Then please watch and learn." Tomoe-san curtsied with the elegance of a well-mannered princess before taking off in the direction of the witch.

For a moment, I could swear I heard an angelic choir in the distance, singing some heavenly pseudo-Latin song about believing in justice. Or something like that. I might have just been imagining things, but had that been a real piece, I would definitely say that it fit Tomoe-san as a leitmotif.

The duel with the witch was fast paced. Tomoe-san used the large space to her advantage, swiftly evading the monster's attacks with incredible precision, while at the same time retaliating with several gunshots. Little by little, the processed meat paper mache cat witch took on damage, even as it tried to crush her by flinging giant spaghetti yarn balls in her direction. Soon enough, the familiar meatball brigade joined in on the fray, but they did little more than provoke Tomoe-san into pulling out more muskets. Hundreds of them appeared in the air above her, aiming down on the battlefield like she had her own army. The meatballs were quickly taken care of by a massive volley of golden bolts of light – the same volley, I recognized, that she used to save me earlier.

With the moldy ham witch having somehow lost an arm to that last attack, Tomoe-san took the initiative. She drew her largest weapon yet – a giant hand cannon that was more than twice her size.

"This is probably the finishing move," I muttered as she struck a firing pose.

The moment she opened her mouth and shouted out a name for the attack, I knew it was over. Because, unless this was the episode where it was revealed that witches had become more powerful than usual, then there was no way it would survive a finishing move.

"TIRO FINALE!"

The shockwave was powerful enough to be felt even at my distance. I had to brace myself to be able to watch Tomoe-san's glorious handiwork, the moldy ham monstrosity disintegrating into little shards of light that scattered. Soon, the witch's lair collapsed into nothing, leaving us in a dark alley. I could only whistle, greatly impressed by how she had so dispatched the witch. "That was really something."

"All in a day's work," she calmly answered with a smile. In her hand, she now held two things: a shiny golden… egg-shaped jewel of some kind, and a dark, ugly, spindly thing that looked like it was made of evil little vines. "This is a Soul Gem. It's the source of our magic power."

"So it's what lets you transform and stuff."

"Exactly. Think of it as the Crystal Star or Babel Heart."

"You watched _Justicia_ too?" My surprise was probably the most notable thing about what I just said.

"Why, yes." She could only smile. "What self-respecting magical girl wouldn't? Anyway," Tomoe-san then raised up the spindly little thing. "This is a Grief Seed." She was pretty good at sticking to the topic at hand, I'd give her that.

"Witch loot?"

"… something like that."

"How much does it sell for?" I asked, smirking.

"Well it's more of a powerup than a sellable," the answer came with a wink. So she also had some pop cultural knowledge of gaming terms. Not that any kid our age wouldn't, of course. "You see, when we use magic, our Soul Gems become dirty. And Grief Seeds are needed to clean them up." As Tomoe-san put the two together, a curious thing happened. The Soul Gem ejected what appeared to be some sort of darkness, which was absorbed by the Grief Seed.

"Sort of like a sponge?" Perhaps not coincidentally, the Soul Gem now glowed more brightly, and the Grief Seed looked even darker.

She paused for a moment before nodding. "You could say that."

"What happens when it gets soaked up?"

"We give them to Kyubey."

"And what happens if your Soul Gem gets too dirty?"

She took a moment to contemplate the idea. Perhaps she never actually thought of that? I mean, if there were as many witches as Kyubey had said, then surely, there wouldn't be such a shortage of Grief Seeds to go around… right? "I'm not really sure. Maybe we die?"

I shrugged. "Makes sense to me." Of course, this would also mean that if there was an imbalance of magical girls in the population, too many would result in Grief Seed scarcity or something. Which would be bad, if that really were the case. "So, umm, I guess I should thank you again." I scratch the back of my head. "I got to hand it to you, Tomoe-san. You really kick butt."

"You're welcome, Suzumiya-san." She looked off into the distance. "Well, I should probably get going. My place is still a ways from here. Will you be alright by yourself?"

"Hey, if I do get caught in another witch's lair, I could probably just call for Kyubey and make a wish."

A slight frown appeared on her face.

"I know, I know, I said I'd think about it until tomorrow." I raised my hands in defence. "But would you rather hold off on the wish and die, or make a rushed wish and continue living with a little regret?"

Apparently, this struck a chord. Tomoe-san remained quiet for what seemed like the longest time before giving an answer. "Just be glad that you have a choice in the matter, Suzumiya-san… not everybody does. Now… please excuse me." The blonde curtsied one last time, before turning about and disappearing into the darkness of the alley.

"Was it something I said?"

"You could always ask her next time," said a little voice in my head. A voice that I really would have preferred to hear later on.

"I take it I'll be working with her, then?" I turned around and sure enough, sitting on top of a trash can with that vacant smile, was none other than that flat white rabbit-faced Kyubey.

"If you so choose. Mami is quite the veteran and can certainly handle most witches by herself, but it would be much more intelligent to work as a team. After all, you never know when the witches might start wising up to her tactics."

A sound argument. "I'll take that as a yes, then. So, I'd actually already decided on my wish, but Tomoe-san asked me to put it off until tomorrow so I can think about it better." I'd thought about it all my life. There's really nothing left to think about. "You okay with that?"

"As I said before, it would be a shame to regret making the wrong wish. So long as you make yours in the near future, I see no problem with waiting for just another day."

"Tomorrow it is, then." I resume making my way home. "Say, Kyubey."

"Yes?"

"Did Tomoe-san make a bad wish?"

"Perhaps it would be best if you asked her that yourself," said the little magical rabbicat. "I am in no position to judge what counts as a good or bad wish, so long as a wish is made."

Clever little rodent. "Yeah, I probably should do that."

I left the alley without another word.

**END III.**

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AN: So some of you might notice that it isn't particularly funny (at least, not that I can tell), despite being labeled as a "Parody". While I might say in my defence that _Romeo and Juliet_ isn't particularly funny either, but Shakespeare wrote it as a comedy about two stupid people who do stupid things that get them into stupid situations, I am not Shakespeare, and so reserve no right to compare this story to _Romeo and Juliet_ as a comedy. I can, however, compare it to _Romeo and Juliet_ as a story about a stupid girl who makes a stupid wish, and the stupid consequences of that wish.


	4. Don't Read Text Messages!

AN: Again, another schedule slip, which I terribly apologize for. A massive hard drive failure meant that my computer was out for a week, which I spent scrounging up the money to buy a new hard drive. Boy do I feel like a Meguca right now. So then… What else is there to say? The madness continues! Don't forget to review!

Daydreamer: Here it is!

ObsessedNuker: Any luck on that word yet?

Disclaimer: Meduka Meguca belongs to Coobie, Gen, and Shaft. It also belongs to Coobie. And Coobie. And Coobie…

**IV. DON'T READ TEXT MESSAGES!**

* * *

"I'm home!" That's what you usually say when you get home, so people will know you're there, right? Anyway, this part was uneventful, given how it's become quite repetitive over the years. My brother was in the living room watching TV while my little sister was in the dining room doing homework, while Mom prepared dinner in the kitchen. And Dad? Well he wasn't home yet. Working hours and all. Brief greetings were exchanged between us, and I made my way up to my room.

My bag ended up in its usual spot on the floor next to the computer, while I flopped into bed, quite tired from the shenanigans of this afternoon. My eyelids got heavier as I started to doze off. Maybe I'd dream about some other wish that would distract me from what I really wanted…

And then my phone rang.

With an annoyed grunt, I brought it into view to check just who the heck it was and why they wanted to call me. Unsurprisingly, it was Fumina, who probably wanted to tease me about how I missed all the fun she had with Hayase while malling this afternoon. I tapped on the little green phone icon on the screen and set it to speaker. "Yeah?"

"HARUKA-CHAAAAN!" the squeal made me regret having the volume up, but I suppose it was my fault for doing so, despite knowing who was calling. "Ne, ne! Guess what!"

"What?"

"The most AWESOME thing happened just now! After Rui-chan and I left the mall, we took a walk in the park but then got sucked into this wacky paper jungle theme park thingy with angry tribal masks!"

I couldn't say a word. That sounded eerily all too similar to the experience I'd had less than an hour ago.

"But then this awesome redhead with a spear showed up and kicked some serious butt! I think she's a magical girl! Isn't that AWESOME?"

"Uhuh…" Well that wasn't much of a reaction. Still, I was too busy trying to understand just what the heck was happening. Sure, Kyubey said there were 'about twenty' witches in town, but I find it highly suspicious that my friends and I were affected only now, and at roughly the same time, no less.

"Yeah! Yeah! Anyway, she told us to stay put, then she disappeared for a while, and when she came back, we were suddenly back in the park! It was AWESOME! Any- anyway! Here she is! Here! Here!" I could hear the sound of the phone being handed over. Fumina's voice sounded distant when she spoke again. "This is like, my other bestest friend Haruka-chan. She likes magical girls too!"

… no, I don't generally really "like" magical girls. I just like specific shows. Like _Justicia_.

"Look, I gotta go." Presumably, this was the 'redhead with a spear', as I didn't quite recognize the voice.

"What do you mean you gotta go? I'm not letting you go! Not until you talk to Haruka-chan! I know, you gotta save the world, but you also gotta spare some time for your future admirers- Hey! Wait up!"

"Oh, right, this is yours." This statement was followed by a wet crunching sound, and then that of the phone being handed back to its owner.

"Hey! HEY! Awww, she's gone…"

My guess, was that at this point, this girl disappeared in pretty much the same way Tomoe-san did. After all, it wasn't hard to do the Batman Bye-Bye at this time of the day. Or night. Or whatever.

"Don't bother. She'll probably appear again next time you're in trouble." If you're lucky. Gas leaks, motive-less suicides, unexplained deaths… there are enough of them on the news to conclude that there aren't enough magical girls out there.

"Like Tuxedo Mask?!"

What was Fumina eating these days? Sure, she was something of a basket case and had her head up in the clouds once in a while, but this was an all new low for her. "You're not Sailor Moon."

"How do _you_ know that?" She asked, teasing. "I _might_ be! In secret!"

Then you wouldn't be telling me about it. All said and done, however, to be absolutely fair, considering her level of idiocy, she would probably qualify to fit the mould of Usagi, if you squinted hard enough while looking at her. "Sure, sure." I gave up. There was no use arguing with people like this.

"Anyway, yeah, just wanted to tell you that. I'll look around for her too, maybe ask if I can join her or someth- ne, Rui-chan, did you say something?"

"I don't believe so…" In the distance, I heard Hayase's mild mannered voice.

"What about you, Haruka-chan?"

"Of course not." Now she was hearing things too? Oh, wait, I see…

"That's odd… I could've sworn- OH, there it is again! You heard it too this time, right?"

A moment of silence, presumably as Hayase either nodded or shook her head.

"I knew it! I knew I wasn't crazy! It's a mysterious calling from a mysterious voice!" There was a ruffling sound, followed by what sounded like Fumina grabbing Hayase by the hand, presumably to drag her along for the ride. "Hey listen, we'll talk later, Haruka-chan. I think we're about to stumble upon a MYSTERY!"

Okay, so now, you're Sherlock Holmes, or something. I could only sigh to myself as she hung up with her ever loud and enthusiastic "Bye bye". I couldn't even remember why I hung out with that idiot now. I mean, she had a lot of friends, sort of, and Hayase was certainly more than just "a friend". According to her definition of it, anyway. Fumina seemed to have a rather skewed understanding of the concept. What most people would call acquaintances, she would call friends. What most people would call friends, she would call best friends, and so on, and so forth. Which meant to be called a bestest friend would make me… a best friend, or something.

That white flat rabbit-faced cat seemed to be on a roll here. First me, and now those two? Well, it was probably inevitable, considering he seemed to be on a recruitment drive of some sort.

I rolled onto my back and exhaled. There was really nothing else to think about. The wish was final, and the only reason I could possibly be "thinking" about it was in order to be "considerate" to Tomoe-san, who seemed to have an issue with hurried wishes. Well, she might have made a stupid wish without thinking, but I've had my whole life to think about what I'd really want. I want to be able to enjoy a story or series, at my own pace, without having to worry about some idiot goldencirls_495 blurting it out on the internet. Because then, I'd forget about it, and be able to finish the show in peace.

I wouldn't have to live in constant fear of being spoiled, to have to chastise every cat and every soup ladle for accidentally spoiling me, to have to pour through a once glorious work that because of said spoilers, had become trivial and pointless. Isn't that a wonderful thing? Perhaps, for somebody who takes plot twists seriously. Like myself.

Everybody has some kind of ideal, or some kind of demon. This one is mine. My darkness, my nightmare. And if it means committing the rest of my life to killing witches, then so be it.

"Does that mean you're ready to make your wish?"

I looked up to see that vacant smile looking down on me from the top of the headrest.

"I didn't let you in here." I chucked a pillow at him in irritation. The lack of a reaction was somewhat disappointing. Kyubey didn't flinch even as the white fluff struck his annoying face in a gorgeous direct hit, and then fell back down to the bed.

"My apologies. I'll ask next time."

"Whatever." I blew off his apology. "And yeah, I've been ready for a couple hours now."

"We can make the contract now, if you like."

"I'll wait until tomorrow. It's not like another day will change anything."

"If you say so." The white rabbicat continued to quietly stare. "I'm eagerly awaiting that time."

"Of course you are. Now get out of my room. Seriously. Don't you have a sense of privacy?" By now, my frown was halfway close to becoming a snarl.

"It's a rather fascinating human concept, I would say. However, personal isolation has its own negative effects."

"It's not personal isolation, it's more like… respecting one's personal space." I roll my eyes. "Ah, whatever. You obviously don't get it, and I can't be bothered to explain it either."

"Once again, I apologize."

Things went quiet as I shut my eyes and eventually dozed off, vaguely dreaming of having a run-in with Fumina and Hayase wearing fancy frilly costumes. When I opened them again, it was still dark out. A quick glance at the clock on the bedside table told me it was only four. This same quick glance also told me, that a certain rabbit cat thing with a blank expression on what passed for its face, was _still_ in my room. And if I didn't know any better, I could've sworn his beady red eyes were glowing in the dark. Or I was just having a nightmare of some sort.

"Good morning, Haruka!"

Nope. Not a nightmare. Well… it could've been, depending on how you looked at the situation. At least he wasn't sitting on my chest like an _onryou_ during sleep paralysis. _That_ would have been particularly nightmarish.

"Why are you still here?"

"I've decided to accompany you until the designated time," Once again, his frank disposition and his vacant face were the most outstanding things about him. "Don't worry! Only you and magical girls can see me!"

That's completely beside the point, but whatever. "If you wanna babysit me so bad until this afternoon, then be my guest." Seeing as I didn't feel sleepy anymore, however, I decided to just get up and get other things done. You know, use my time productively… like do my homework. There wasn't a lot to speak of, and by six, I was already dressed and ready to go. Fortunately, Mom was an early riser and it wasn't unusual for breakfast to be ready before the sun came up.

"You're rather early this morning, aren't you, Haruka-chan?" She pointed out, with that usual warm, relaxing smile that always brightens up my day… unless I've been spoiled big time, that is. Soon, those smiles will _always_ make things look brighter.

"I guess it's because I slept too early," I laughed nervously as I cut into my eggs, nice and sunny side up, of course. "I'm fully energized, though!" Because today, is when all that heartache ends.

"Glad to hear it!" She went back to preparing dessert, completely oblivious to the fact that Kyubey was bathing in a basin of water right in front of her. He actually seemed to be enjoying himself!

I sighed. Just like any other show to have an annoying mascot creature making himself at home in your house, huh?

Half past six, and I was already out on the road, with way too much time to spare, and a hitchhiking little cabbit on my shoulder. A quick detour to the park was in order, just to throw away all that extra time and maybe ask a few questions. We sat at a bench by the pond, admiring the waterfall, and then the sky. Finally, I went ahead with it. "So, how long have you been doing this?"

"Quite some time, now. You wouldn't believe how long Witches and magical girls have been fighting."

"Try me."

"Perhaps you would prefer to guess, rather than have me spoil you?"

I looked down at his vacant smile with my own face somewhat confused, before it curled into a smirk. "Heh. That's the first sensible thing you've said. Fine. Let's try… ten years."

"Not even close."

"A lifetime?"

"Longer."

I racked my brains for an answer. "A hundred years."

Kyubey shook his head.

So, not only has this been going on for longer than living memory, but this cabbit also implied that he was also older than that. Let's try exaggerating this for a bit. "A _thousand _years."

"A fair guess. Not entirely inaccurate."

"Heh." So then, should I start browsing the web for portraits of powerful women in history and search for any sign that they might have been magical girls? A conspicuous piece of jewelry, perhaps? A fondness for rabbits?

"Would you like to try?"

"A simple yes or no from you would be enough." I paused to turn my attention back to the waterfall as I collected my thoughts. "Catherine the Great."

"No."

Huh. Well, that was unexpected. Someone with that kind of power and prestige might have had the fortune of getting a wish granted. Maybe one of the more clichéd heroines, then. "Joan of Arc."

"Yes."

That's one point for me. "Boudica."

"Yes."

Good, good. We were getting somewhere. "Hua Mulan."

"Yes."

That was three, girls, now. All legendary, in a way. But surely, not all great women had to have been magical girls. Like Catherine the Great, for example. Now, for all it was worth, I decided to throw the little cabbit something of a curveball, just to see what his reaction would be, and just to see if I could get some juicier tidbits. "Arthur Pendragon."

"What an odd choice," he said. "Would you rather not have considered Morgan le Fey, or Guinevere?"

"Just answer the question."

"Yes."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

I chuckled to myself, shaking my head. Was I being trolled? Or was this little fuzzball seriously telling me that King Arthur was a magical girl pulling a Mulan? For all I knew, he was talking about Morgan le Fey, or even Guinevere. I had to be absolutely sure. "Arthur Pendragon."

"I already answered your query. Is once not enough?"

Before I could push for a straight, unambiguous answer, my phone beeped. Sure enough, it was a text message from Fumina. She wanted me to buy her some stuff that she forgot to bring – stuff that was absolutely necessary for today's arts and crafts hands on session – which was, of course, typical of that idiot. Sighing, I got up and slung my bag over one shoulder… and Kyubey hopped onto the other. "Okay, Kyubey. Let's go."

**END IV.**

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AN: "Every cat and soup ladle" is apparently the Japanese equivalent of "every Tom, Dick, and Harry". I have no idea why I used it instead of some creative Japanese variation, like say, every Tomoe, Daisuke, and Haruhi. For anybody who happens to be wondering, I did my best to make that "other magical girl" as obvious as possible. I don't need to tell you who it was, do I? Seriously. And so it seems, that Haruka's Megucafication will have to wait until the next chapter. I seem to be falling to my old weakness of dragging a story out. I really should compact it some more, especially since this one was mostly dialogues. Ugh. Needs more action. More witch bashing. And most importantly, more suffering!


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